What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 12:08
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I write beautiful poetry .
I waited trembling.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What is the most craziest dream you ever had?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Put me off passion for life!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But, we were locked up after school.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
How are max different from medical and minimum security prisons?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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It was going to be , some day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im still living with it.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My family never makes their pension either.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What does it mean to you to live a life that reflects biblical values?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot live in the past .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So, i spoilt her more .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I think the readers, may guess!
(And it was in our own minds.)
All the time i was locked up.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I don,t even have a pension.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was seconnd youngest,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Would this be the day?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My life is so biszare .
I will be 64.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She found it foreign!.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What did i know ?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was very sick at this time too.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I said to her
We were not on the streets..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i lived it daily.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We all went to grammer schools
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I have no regrets .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Was to survive, this bastard.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Ive learnt so much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She married twice! .
Who then, do I blame.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Comes on , in middle age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was in good health!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is soul school!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So whats the point in blame.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it wasn’t much.
He knew the spot.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When she asked me how she looked .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She loved him until the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.